Just thought I’d do a bit of an update post about what’s been going on and where I’ve been for the last four months.
I started this blog to share my experiences and hopefully in turn, help people who are going through or have been through similar things. I wanted to show that no matter how much you’ve been through or how bad things seem you can always turn your life around and make things better.
I started my blog after months of researching and was so excited to document my progress and even my down days. I’m not naïve enough to believe, that just because I was putting it out on the internet, my life would completely change and I’d be rid of my depression but I did think it might help.
But since starting my blog, a lot of things have happened…
The problem is, I wanted to show my progress but the way I’ve been feeling recently, I don’t feel like I’ve progressed at all. In fact I feel like I’ve been back pedalling. But I realised, me only showing the good aspects of my life kind of defeats the object of what I was trying to do. I felt like I didn’t want my posts to be negative but if I did positive posts then that wouldn’t reflect how I was really feeling and I’d feel like a fake or a fraud. So I felt stuck.
I’d lost motivation and couldn’t even be bothered to drag myself out of bed let alone write a blog post. Everything I did write, I’d instantly delete thinking it wasn’t good enough. I’m a perfectionist in general but when I’m having my bad days it makes it a whole lot worse as I literally can’t do anything right in my eyes.
One thing that’s remained a constant throughout all of this is that I want to blog and at the minute the only thing that’s holding me back is me. I was in a vicious circle where I had no motivation to write anything which would lead to me sitting for hours doing nothing, staring at my laptop screen and then hating myself for not being able to write even so much as the title.
What makes it even worse is I had posts sitting there waiting to be published that I’d wrote months ago and I couldn’t even bring myself to press the publish button. I felt like there was no point, why would anyone want to read what I was writing?
I’ve started walking recently and when I was on one of my walks I suddenly had like a moment of clarity where I actually felt a shift, I wanted to do this blog, I was actually motivated, something I haven’t felt for a long time. So after months of doubting myself, I’ve decided enough is enough, no one else is going to do it for me. I’m breaking the cycle. Starting with this post.