“This thing someone did to you, whatever it was, it can make you bitter, or it can make you better.”
I read this on Tiny Budda and it was one of those that gave me goose bumps, something that makes your thoughts switch, like a light bulb kind of moment.
Only you can choose how the past affects you and whether you’re going to let it destroy your future or make it.
There are some things that only my counsellor knows about. Some things I might not share with anyone for as long as I live. It’s now almost 2 years since walking away from the abusive relationship and I’m only just starting to feel like I no longer need counselling for the things he did.
For me when I questioned my ex on everything and he laughed in my face, that was when, for the first time, without anyone having to tell me, I saw his true colours.
The first part of healing is acknowledging it happened and then trying to accept it. And this is something I struggled with for a long time. It was like having to retrain my brain so I could accept he wasn’t the person I thought he was. I couldn’t get it into my head that he would do this to me. I’d put him on a pedestal for so long to the point where my friend said to me “He could sleep with someone in front of you and you’d still stay with him or make an excuse as to why it wasn’t his fault”.
Talking about it with my counsellor was hard at first, it did make me feel worse before I felt better. It was a lot easier trying to block it from my mind. After all, why would you want to think and talk about something horrible, the best thing to do is try your best to forget it, right? Well no, it’s in fact the opposite. I’m not going to lie and say it felt like a weight had been lifted after talking about it because it didn’t. I didn’t feel anything and then because I didn’t feel anything I started to feel worse because I’d pinned all my hopes on feeling completely “cured” after saying what had happened but I didn’t feel any different. Not immediately anyway. But like with everything, these things take time and the counselling helped me come to terms with what happened.
My counsellor said to me that these type of people seek out vulnerable people and if you don’t get stronger you will keep attracting the same type of person. I don’t know if this is true but I do know that I showed him my vulnerabilities too soon. He knew the things to say and do to put me down and he played on this. He knew from the beginning I wanted the fairy-tale, to marry my prince charming and live happily ever after and this is what he promised. I realised the plans I had in my head for our future were just that, in my head. He had no intentions of actually fulfilling any of these plans.
I’m now working towards making myself a stronger person and learning to trust my own instincts. I’m also having to learn to trust people again. I’ve always been a very private person and letting my guard down has always been difficult for me. He was the first person I had really let in and he betrayed me completely. But I can’t let that affect my future relationships which is something I want to work on with my counsellor.
I really do believe it when people say you need to experience bad things to grow as a person. You may not know why you’re going through something but eventually you will understand why you had to experience it. I still don’t fully understand why I had to go through what I did but one thing I do know is that I will never let anyone treat me in this way again so maybe that was the lesson for me.
Even now 2 years later I still feel like I want him to feel the pain I went through. I want him to hurt the way he hurt me but at the same time these thoughts are a waste of my time and energy. If you read any of my other posts you’ll know I love quotes. My camera roll is full of them and one of the best quotes I have ever read, again one of those where you read it and something clicks, was “Don’t waste time on payback, getting even will stop you from getting ahead” and it is so true. I wasted so much time going over and over what happened when there’s nothing I can do to change it.
I was lying in bed last night thinking about the first time I got a glimpse of what he was really like. I started talking horribly to myself and putting myself down saying how stupid I was for not realising then what he was like and walking away as soon as I saw the real him. But then I stopped myself. You know when you have to give yourself a talking to? I have to do this so often and I try to remember that I wouldn’t talk to my friends like it so why do I think it’s ok to say these nasty things to myself?
I can’t change what happened. I can’t make him be sorry for what he did. The only thing I can do is make myself better. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and dwelling on the past or replaying everything that happened and thinking about what I should’ve done differently is not contributing to making any of those 4 better. It’s not helping and although it’s impossible to forget what happened and I don’t think I will ever be “over it”, it is possible to take back control and not let it take over my life and that’s exactly what I intend to do. And one thing I do know is that things can only get better.